Being Non-Binary: A Bunched-Up Sock
Rounding out our week of content on trans visibility for Pride, we’re proud to present Angel Pratt! Angel has guest blogged for us before, and they have truly honored us again with their words on what it means to be non-binary in America - especially while living in Florida.
I have often been asked what being non-binary feels like, and it’s always been hard for me to explain. I was introduced to the idea of genders outside of the typical binary in graduate school, but once I’d heard the term gender queer, and then non-binary, it instantaneously felt right. If a single person had told me as a child about non-binary even being an option I am confident I would have told people I was non-binary as a very young child.
My assigned gender at birth (AGAB) never felt quite right. I just didn’t know enough about myself or gender to argue, so when they told me I was a girl it didn’t even occur to me to contradict them, even though it didn’t feel quite right. I know I resented the expectations and limitations put on me as a young “girl” and often pushed against the trappings of femininity to help with what I now identify as gender dysphoria.
Finally, one day I saw a viral social media post about how gender dysphoria is like having a bunched-up sock inside of a shoe. On the outside, no one can tell what’s happening. However, you as the person living in your own skin know about the discomfort and can tell people about it. Still, they might look at you on the outside and go, “I don’t see it” or even “That’s not real.” I think this is an apt metaphor. My own birth father insinuated that I was delusional for telling him I was non-binary. This man who has not laid eyes on me in over 30 years thinks he knows better about who I am than I do. That is just one specific and honestly mild example of how people can react to a gender non-conforming (GNC) person.
New Experiences Left and Right
In the fall of 2021 I moved to Florida from central Pennsylvania. I’ve grown up in central New Jersey and spent much of my adult life in central New York, so this has been my first experience living anywhere “south” let alone a place so openly hostile to GNC folks. I noticed some differences right away that affected me when we moved down here. I have never been “ma’am”d so much in my life. If I hear one more service worker rope me in with their affectionate declarations and inquiries about the “ladies” at the table, I might just dissolve into the atmosphere. You’d think I’d hate it here, but honestly I hardly register it any more. I bet you’d like to know why.
In the summer of 2018 I started a relationship with a person who unwaveringly saw me for me, consistently used my correct pronouns, and spoke up about my identity when they noticed people around or behind me getting it wrong. They adjusted the way they thought about their sexuality and their own gender identity (pronouns he/they). It all felt so validating. So much gender dysphoria I had felt before then rapidly eased. I was finally seen, and suddenly strangers not being able to see me for who I am on this basic level did not dysregulate me as much as it used to when I first came out. Then again, I’ve found that overall I’m able to care less what people think of me at the age of 35 than any other time in my life. This is perhaps a luxury reserved for a select few of appropriate adult age, but that’s just a pet theory.
Message Received, Loud and Clear
If you don’t care I’d rather know that you don’t care. Not everyone can be your people, and if you don’t want to believe me or don’t care about my bunched-up sock on the inside then that signals that you’re not my people which is important for me to know in today’s world. I have plenty of people, including another partner I started dating in the winter of 2019. They also use the pronouns they/them. I’m going to move ahead as I’ve often advised others to: find your people, and keep finding your people. My people see me for who I am, and who I say I am: a bunched-up sock in a shoe that looks like a woman.
Here is the message: to be a good ally and advocate, approach everyone you meet, even in passing, as if you truly don’t know anything about them. I don’t begrudge the average, harmless citizen looking externally at my shoe and saying to themselves, “Ah, yes! I know what kind of person this is based on what I can see with my eyes and now I will act accordingly because that’s what I was taught” but would like to have to deal with it even 10% less than I do now. Consider a neutral or non-gendered approach with people whose identities you don’t know enough about. The more you practice this the less weird it will be for you and the more it will normalize a neutral or non-gendered approach for society at large. It would just help us gender non-conforming folks for strangers to generally stop being so presumptuous.
Angel can be reached at angelsembracetherapy@gmail.com and @nomerebutterfly#8127 on Discord. Interested in telling your own intersectional story? Blackwarren’s submissions are still open! Check out our Submissions Guidelines for more information.