We Will Never Stop: The Pain of Migraines
People diagnosed with chronic illnesses deserve representation, too. This week, Blackwarren Books highlights how chronic Migraines impact the people we know, love, and work with, as told through the eyes of Ally DeMar, our Marketing Director.
The table is cushioned slightly, no pillow cradles my head. I am silently saying a mantra. I can do this. I can do this. I am out of options. I must do this. My eyes are closed against the harsh light above me. My doctor enters.
“So! How are you? How’s the family?” He isn’t actually interested. The fact that I am laying there in excruciating pain is his stock and trade. After all, I am currently suffering from a beast of a Migraine that has lasted more than 2 weeks.
Then the secondary hell begins. Starting directly between the eyebrows, a sharp jab and then the sting begins as my pain management physician injects at minimum 31 shots of Botox across my eyebrows, hairlines, temples, neck, and shoulders.
Some days, I can handle the onslaught, barely uttering a sound as the doctor methodically inflicts additional pain on my head. Meditating the “now” away. Going to anytime but now. Today was not one of those days. I cry out at the first dose, tears slipping past my eyelashes.
I do this to try and keep my Migraines battened down, every 3 months to the day.
An extra shot of a cocktail of drugs called Emgality, this time in my arm, ensures that my chronic insomnia will only get worse over the next 7 days.
This is my monthly migraine preventative. I will be sent home with an extra dose to self-inject on the 15th.
Pain, Isolation, Loss
My cousin once told me that after Botox treatments for incurable Migraines, I was actually a Star Trek Universe Romulan, complete with raised bumps across my forehead. While the image is certainly accurate, I’d like to hope that futuristic fictional characters don’t have to suffer this way.
Blackwarren Books has taken up the cause of Migraine sufferers. Our small press boasts at least two Migraineurs. We know the pain. The isolation. The losses. While each of us tries various methods to control and deal with our intense pain, no two humans are the same. This makes it even more difficult to treat. There are over 1 billion people around the world who suffer like we do. There is no cure. It is our intent to find ways to help.
Despite all of my injections, dialectical behavioral therapy, daily medicines, stress relief exercises and so much more, I still suffer this way. Others spend their waking moments in excruciating unmitigating pain. They still suffer this way.
The Unpredictable Pain
My Migraines are unpredictable in nature. Slamming into me with a sunbeam causing strange auras and sparkles in my vision. The softest of sounds is a sudden cacophony forcing me to remove my powerful dual hearing aids.
Before the migraine, the nausea begins. Drinking water becomes an impossible accomplishment. Dry heaving is a given. I no longer order delicious dinners. Such a waste.
Which is mentally how I feel. My head is screaming. Temples throbbing. My neck is in a vise. The pain is all-encompassing. And still, the guilt wells up within me.
My family duties go on without me. Many friends have left after making suggestions about my illnesses that were tried long ago to no avail. The Migraines never stop. My life crashes around me while I hide in darkened rooms hoping for it all to cease.
Yes, I have done everything suggested to me by doctors. I've taken pharmaceuticals that made me lose my sense of self. The Migraines never stop. I've lost weight. I've lessened my stressors as much as I can today. The Migraines never stop. I've changed my diet. Tried tablespoons of Turmeric. Stopped eating entirely. The Migraines never stop.
I refuse to give in.
We refuse to give in.
Bloody But Unbowed
I gingerly step down from the table I had been on for all of 15 minutes. The nurse slaps a bandaid on the sore arm. The rest is up to me.
"See you in 90 days!" They say brightly.
I make another appointment.
I still suffer this way as so many of us do.
We will never stop.
If you too suffer from Migraines or know someone who does, please click the links in this post and support your local Migraineurs. The following are great places to begin:
https://americanmigrainefoundation.org/