“We Don’t Have a Lot of That” - AANHPI Heritage Month Guest Blog

May is Asian- American, Native Hawaiian, and Pacific Islander Heritage Month. In honor of that, Blackwarren Books is proud to present guest blogger Angel Pratt in a look at the intersections between Queer, Asian, and other identities.

“Oh, you’re Asian! We don’t have a lot of that!”

“Oh, you’re queer! We don’t have a lot of that!”

“Oh, you’re non-binary! We don’t have a lot of that!”

“Oh, you’re neurodivergent! We don’t have a lot of that!”

“Oh, you’re non-monogamous! We don’t have a lot of that!”

My whole life I’ve received both explicit and implicit messages that are aimed at pointing out my “otherness” in all spaces. The result is that I have often felt like I don’t belong anywhere or with anyone. From this personal experience, I can tell you that it is so awfully lonely to occupy such a narrow part of a very complicated Venn diagram of identities.

I’m also a licensed marriage and family therapist, so I am professionally informed when I say that human connections are a basic need of all humans. Of course, your mileage may vary. You may know someone who has such high needs in the human connections department that they literally cannot be alone. You may know someone who has such low needs that they have a single Regularly Scheduled Socialization and woe to anyone who tries to force more social interaction. Most of us fall somewhere in the middle, including me.

Navigating A World Where You’re the “Other”

It’s popular in internet spaces to call people like me “ambiverts” as opposed to introverts and extroverts. I don’t know how I feel about that. I think it’s probably more helpful to focus on how one recharges. Some recharge in social interactions with their people and others recharge in solitude. I’m the latter in part because of the emotional labor I must do to have most social bonds.

Part of the social energy expenditure goes toward the awareness of my “otherness.” I often have to explain myself in multiple areas of my identity. I am inundated with questions that require me to explain myself like “Oh, how did your parents meet?” (I am typically clocked to be half-Asian.) “Oh, how do you feel about this queer political issue?” “Oh, how did you know you were non-binary?” “Oh, how are you so functional for your neurotype?” “Oh, how do you deal with jealousy?” Similar questions are coming in all of the time with nearly every social interaction I have with people who are unfamiliar with me and/or aspects of my identities.

All of this information leads up to a simple conclusion for me: it can be lonely to be myself. I’ve been privileged to have met a couple of people I think of as “soul mates” and my definition is people with whom I don’t need to translate my soul for them to understand what it’s like to be me. I have found precious few in my life and there is typically at least one identity category removed from mine, usually more than one.

A Not-So-Modest Proposal

I want to propose something on this and any other month that honors an identity: we own our privileges in each of the identities we hold. Stop requiring marginalized people to explain their existence. Instead, ask permission to sate your curiosity or do a Google search. Own that you are asking for the labor of marginalized people. Stop bringing attention to someone’s “otherness” without owning the responsibility of checking your privilege. Asian American and Pacific Islander cultures have of course been a point of interest often bordering on if not explicitly occupying fetishization.

If you’re feeling defensive about that last part I want to ask you: what is arguably the most popular Asian-themed Halloween costume? I’d hazard a guess it’s ninjas for boys and geishas for girls. The latter concerns me, especially as an AFAB person raised as a girl. I have been sexualized and fetishized since I was very young, absurdly young. Often what people know about the vast majority of Asian culture is misattributed and lacks nuance. For example, I have been asked about my opinions as a Korean person for things that are distinctly Japanese or Chinese culture.

Respect My Existence or Expect My Resistance

Next month we celebrate the LGBTQIA+ community. What images come to mind for Pride? Scantily-clad gay people in rainbow outfits and “heh heh, two chicks, that’s hot.” I am not your fantasy, bro. I am a human being. I can’t count the number of times that people have defensively declared their straightness or monogamous orientation, or engaged in a multitude of microaggressions in response to learning about my identities. “You’re not flamboyant like other gay people.” “You’re attractive, no homo.” “I don’t know how you do it. I could never.” How I do it is… I exist, man. It’s that simple. Keep your diet homophobia to yourself and leave me alone.

As a non-binary person, I am also a trans person. It has probably not escaped your notice how the rhetoric and politics around trans lives have escalated, even into genocide territory. Humor is one way to cope with such horrors of everyday life, so I find it funny that people exist who wish to eradicate every trans person in existence. You see, we are naturally occurring in the species. Even if you managed to end every trans life today more trans people would be born tomorrow. It’s funny! Okay, maybe it’s just funny to me. I acknowledge that talking about the ways in which I am threatened for being who I am might be hard for some of you to hear, but if you can ask my asinine questions about Asian people I get to have a little ha-ha at my trans existence. Deal? Deal.

While we’re at it, let me emphasize: stop bringing attention to the ways in which I’m not like the people you usually surround yourself with. Maybe consider getting to know more of us. I’m not interested in being your token for anything. Maybe even consider why you don’t “have a lot of” us. Are you making your spaces welcoming and safe for us? What incentive do we have to volunteer to feel like we stick out like a sore thumb and we might not be safe because of it? This personal emotional labor is how you can celebrate and honor months like these for us marginalized folks who are very, very tired of translating our souls in order to have connections. Let us have a happy Asian Pacific American Heritage Month.

Angel can be reached at angelsembracetherapy@gmail.com and @nomerebutterfly#8127 on Discord. Interested in telling your own intersectional story? Blackwarren’s submissions are still open! Check out our Submissions Guidelines for more information.