What I’m Talking About When I Say I’m Asexual

It’s the last week of Pride! This week, we’re going beyond the LGBT, focusing on the “lesser known” aspects of the Queer community. Today, Blackwarren founder Vaughn R. Demont talks about his own experiences with being a homoromantic asexual.

When I was 18, I had no idea what asexuality was. I was romantically attracted to men, so I believed that that meant I was gay, so I went with that. Having straight male friends, though, meant coming out to them had to immediately be followed with “but don’t worry, I won’t attempt to initiate sex with you.” Visible sighs of relief followed, and then, “Wait, why not?” It began a life of having a constantly updating FAQ for friends and family. In my early thirties I looked back on my life, and my non-existent sex drive, believing that I was a terrible gay man because I didn’t club or hook-up, or have notches on my bedpost.

The word “asexual” was in my orbit, but usually applied to people in an incel fashion, that you were so unattractive and uninteresting that you’d just given up. It wasn’t until I started looking it up and read a forum that I started nodding along, seeing myself in the posts, that I came out as Ace. Granted, it was stifled in part because before I came out to my husband, he matter-of-factly said “You’re asexual.” Sometimes we’re coming out to ourselves, too, y’know? But, feeling comfortable with my identity raised a new group of questions, an updated FAQ, and renewed statement that Aces are part of the community, despite being at the end of the LGBTQIA. So, let’s get started, shall we?

1. Yes. I have functioning genitalia.

You’d be surprised how often that gets asked, as if not being interested in sex means that you’re a eunuch or have undergone genital mutilation. It seems so weird, so alien to some people that the first assumption is that there’s something physically wrong with you. I don’t have sex, that’s all, but I’ve noticed that some people act differently around me, like I’ve got a disability. I’ve gotten more sympathy from people for being asexual than I did for admitting that I have mild dyslexia. It’s probably because dyslexia can be “fixed”, whereas having no sex drive isn’t going to “fixed”, though yes, I have heard that joke that I’m “fixed”. I’m not neutered. I’m ace.

2. Why do you called yourselves “ace”?

Say the word “ace”. Say “asexual”. Say “ace” again. Say “asexual” slowly. Say “ace” slowly. Repeat, both, but slower. Hear the phonetic similarities? There you go. 😊

3. So are you just really religious?

Asexuality is not a vow of chastity or celibacy. One side practices self-discipline and self-denial to observe religious devotion and spiritual purity. The other side just doesn’t want to have sex.

4. So… no sex? Ever? Like… NEVER!?!

Depends where you are on the spectrum. And that spectrum is always evolving. I lean more toward the “gray asexuality”, where there are very limited circumstances where I would consider sexual contact, which is common among gray aces, or gray-a’s. There are those who identify as ace who have zero sexual contact, some who have limited circumstances but have many partners that fill those needs.

There’s also demisexuality, where sex is possible if there is a strong, deep emotional connection between the two parties, so no, no friends with bennies for the demis.

The difficulty is that sometimes this leads to feeling you have to “prove” what you identify as. The truth is that there’s no Asexual Certification Bureau, and there are people out there who consider themselves sexual but have had a long dry spell, and asexuals who are getting what they consider sex a few times a week. There are also “purity politics” like some asexuals who feel that grays don’t belong in their community, it goes on and on and it’s full of drama, just like, well, every other community of humans out there.

5. Don’t Say “Challenge Accepted”

Much like straight guys figuring picking up lesbians is just a matter of saying and doing the right things at the right time, there’s nothing aces hate more than someone who thinks our complete lack of sexual interest is a problem to be solved, usually by a penis. We’re not broken, we’re just ace.

6. Forever Alone?

There are asexuals who are aromantic, and don’t want romantic or sexual relationships with anyone, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t capable of platonic friendships or platonic love. (That’s love for friends and family) There are also a lot of aces who are homo, hetero, bi, and panromantic. Just because we don’t have sex doesn’t mean we’re not capable of love. It also doesn’t mean that we don’t have maternal or paternal urges. Just because you don’t want sex doesn’t mean you don’t want to start a family, but it does mean you’ll have to have a talk with your partner (or partners, for the polys out there).

Aces get married, have kids or adopt, raise dogs and cats just like everyone else, and we’re a little privileged, not because we don’t have sex, but that we’re just considered weird instead of a sin against humanity for simply existing. We don’t get followed home and beaten up, we don’t lose our jobs because our sexless lives make people uncomfortable, we don’t get oppressed because people would rather treat us like garbage instead of taking two seconds to learn a preferred pronoun. It’s something you become aware of the longer you’re out as ace, because not many people care other than questions like those above. The only frustrating thing is having to do Ace 101 on the uncommon event our asexuality comes up, or someone mentions having heard about it on BoJack Horseman or some comedy where we were used so women wouldn’t feel threatened, and wanting to know if any of it’s true. We don’t really lose friends over being ace, our parents don’t kick us out, instead harangue us for grandchildren a little more insistently. Like I said, ace privilege is a thing, especially in the LGBTIQA+ community.

And when you’re privileged, it’s a good thing to help the other letters of the family out. Because us aces may be the quiet nerds of the family, but we’re still family.

And with family, you’re never alone.

Looking for stories with asexual characters? Try Blackwarren’s inaugural anthology, Samhain Secrets: World Premiere, available now!